Thanksgiving and the absence of my foul-mouthed brother "The Soldier"

Many years ago, and my junior high school year- long far away- I jotted down the many words of a typical family Thanksgiving that only lasted 20 minutes. And of course, my young 12 year old brother-who was always in charge of our little table prayers, just before shoving biscuits in his mouth, never failed to curse right at the table.

Now, many years later- he is not here.

He is on an Air Force base training in Florida- and possibly next year, he will be on the sandy "beaches" of Iraq, dropping bombs on villages. If he's lucky, he won't be involved and won't get hurt. But he's a glutton for danger... and stupidity.

I knew it was too quiet this year, I could barely remember last year with his citations of calling me "b*tch", "cu*ntface", "fu*ckin tree hugger" (you get the picture)
that things were different this year... perhaps quieter, but no better, bored, but no worse.

And what usually lasted 20 minutes, as traditional as our family gets... really only lasted 15- after the hours of cooking my mother and I (partially really) put in- for such a small second, and not more meaningful piece of time (not as it was in the past for us).

Both thankful for the absence of a foul-mouth and thankful he is still in one piece, I think as I sit and look at my former hippie of a father, who spent his long haired piano playing days in Hawaii and my Puerto Rican mother, who so encouraged my brother, but never seemed the gung-ho conservative type... I can only think he had done what I had tried so long ago- escape from the people who I thought tried to control me- so I could be different and not the same- and get the hell out of a life that was truly only one note, as good as it might be, so I could live the exciting life.

This is what I think, at Thanksgiving and his absence.

All the men I love... and can not have, for fear of destroying career and other realities

There are a million Misters that pass me each day.

And I can't have not one, not any one of them.

There's Mister EP, broad shoulders, flowing hair, deep voice... he is of course older... and well... married.

Then there's Mister EVP, mountain man, masculine, listens to opera, smokes cigar (a turn off and a turn on)... he is of course above me... and has kids.

Then there's Mister Funny Celebrity... actually many funny Celebrities... Mister "I was going to marry a rock star but now I'm dating someone else and am too good to look you in the eye but I'm hot".

Then there's Mister Former Variety Show Icon who I offered a drink and then well- offered me a drink (well, because quite frankly I'm the gatekeeper into this lion's mouth) but is totally engaged to a super model and has formerly been speculated to be gay.

And of course even those more level on the hierachy are still unreachable in this corporate crackpot.

There's Mister Assistant who kind of reminds me of my X and much like my X, is married (although I am unsure if she is French).

Then there's Mister Assistant -kind of looks like Ryan Gosling, indie rockstar-ish guy, who says hello to me, but never really converses.

Then there's Mister Post Production- who doesn't get that I flirt with him when he comes to visit. Perhaps he's too busy checking out the other assistant who flaunts her assets.

And then there's Mister Mail- who I have actually been around socially- we have actually danced (awkwardly)- I do know him a little more indepth- and has prior shown some interest... but now nothing. No moves. Nothing. Zip. Zero. I just occassionally see him... when he brings the mail. We chat... professionally... surface-ly.

Being corporate just kills the mood.

Nevermind that majority of these choices are unattainable by realistic standards... there's sexual harrasment issues, career advancement issues... serious issues...

How the hell am I supposed to meet anyone else?

When the highlight of my day is remembering the hot guy who I dodged paths with on the way back in from lunch and have to dub him "Mister Hot Guy Who I Dodged Paths With On The Way Back From Lunch" (who by the way I tossed my hair back and flashed him a smile- and he did the same ;) I can only hope my 11 hour days, 5 days a week lifestyle that is laying some ground for my future (and my back account) is not seriously killing any hope of a social life.

Its not as if my social life was fabulous in the last two gigs.

(Sigh) All the men I love... and can not have... for fear of hurting career advancement and other realities.

I think having them involved with my V spot could definitely hurt my career.

But being a nun is seriously killing my social life.